Habituate : to get used to something or to make someone or something used to something. This is a two part entry for the blog. This is something I have thought about writing for a long time. Motherhood is a special gift. When I was pregnant with Julia, I read the baby books on what to expect. I had Pre-eclampsia and was in hospital a couple of times. The joy I had, that one day I would get to meet her, filled me with happiness. I soon found out that life is a journey without a map.
The Birth
I was 21 when I had Julia, I had a lovely flat in Murrayfield, a job that I loved and I was grateful.
When my waters broke at night, I was driven to St.John's hospital in Livingston. I was nervous but I had my partner with me. They gave me a pill to stop the labour and sent me to a ward. I was woken up the next morning and taken to a room downstairs. My partner arrived and a woman came in to burst my waters, I told her repeatedly they already burst. I began to worry as it made no sense and the needle she was using hurt me. A second person came in and told me my baby was breach so I needed a c-section,
I hadn't read about this due to me wanting to give birth normally. I didn't know what to expect with the c-section other than famous people got it. I was wheeled through to another room. It was white and I was scared. My partner was taken to get changed into an apron. The doctor was tall, slim and had glasses, I was told to lie on my side and two people were now behind me. I was told they need to inject my spine to numb it. I was looking at the wall with my knees lifted in a crouch position on the trolley.
I felt pressure and they asked if I could feel anything on my legs or lower spine. I said I could. One person asked the other where they injected me.
"You have injected her in the wrong place!" I heard behind me. I was so scared. "Collette, We need to give you the injection again." I was numb and scared. Once the doctor checked if I could feel anything, I told him I couldn't. "Your baby will born at 10am!" I smiled, I had two epidurals in one labour.
They put something up so I couldn't see me lower half. I still had no clue what the procedure was and I was so quiet I didn't want to ask. My partner came in and he watched them operate by the tummy.
Suddenly blood sprayed out and covered my partner. It was like a horror movie. I couldn't speak. A nurse rushed him out to clean up. Was my baby okay? After a while I saw the balding doctor lift my baby out of my stomach. I was relieved she was okay. She was placed by my shoulder wrapped in a soft blanket.
"What will you call her?" One asked.
"Julia." I said looking at her adorable little face. I thanked the doctors and nurses. I was taken to a room which had no other mothers there. Julia was in a bed and wheeled in next to me. The doctor who delivered Julia came in with a piece of paper and sat down next to me.
"I need you to sign this just to say everything is okay. It's something mums need to sign to say it went okay." He handed me the paper and a pen. I signed It unaware that wasn't actually normal procedure. I had no other person with me. I didn't know the procedures. He swiftly left never to be seen again.
I was kept in hospital for two weeks. I was given various pills to take although I wasn't sure what they were for. When I was discharged from the hospital I was told to take three various pills with me that they handed in a white bag. Naturally I did as I was told. They were the professionals, after all. I trusted them.
The Challenge with pain
"I don't know how to tell you this, but there are no notes on your daughters birth. It's just a blank page with a doctors signature."
I told him what had happened and he said the signature was of a female doctor. I explained it was a man who operated and delivered Julia. There were no female doctors present. Perhaps it was one of the nurses? My doctor explained that the female signature was a friend of his and he would arrange for me meet with her. I returned to the hospital and the first thing she said was " It's funny, I remember all the patients I work with and I don't remember you at all." I explained that was because it wasn't her that delivered my baby. She checked me over and I asked what would I do about the pain I was constantly in from the injection in the wrong place. I will never forget the moment she sat smiling and said " You just need to keep taking painkillers."
Once the health visitor came on her visits, knowing I was in pain, she asked what I was given by St. John's hospital. I gave her the pills and she was shocked. "You are not supposed to be taking these when you breastfeed a baby!" She immediately removed them,
It was about a few weeks before I realised how much damage was done to me. I rolled over one night in bed and the most excruciating pain made me scream. I couldn't move! I tried to get out my room to call for help and I saw the mobile phone. I felt sick the pain was that bad. The mobile rang the emergency doctor before I got to the door. I had to hold onto the wall to stand up. The doctor came out and gave me solpadol. She told me it sounded like nerve damage. I didn't understand what that meant.
However when I held Julia in my arms, I was grateful the blood that sprayed in the delivery room wasn't hers, it was mine. I understand that I was suffering from trauma too. The scenes of this event are always in my head. The pain I have from the botched c-section, is with me every day 24/7.
The Battle
I have tried for years to get justice from the NHS. They refuse to talk to me. It was too long ago they said. It isn't due to me not trying to contact them for help, it is the fact nobody will talk or see me.
I wrote to the Health Minister and they couldn't comment on individual cases but were horrified at what happened and asked how my daughter was. So here I am. After I had my second child, due to NHS not working with me to find out the damage that was done, my pelvis came apart and I need crutches to walk now. I applied for Motability and I had a comfy car for 12 years. Last year they rejected it saying I wasn't as disabled and the reason they gave was because I use a map before I go out. I appealed it but again it was rejected! So now I have a small car that isn't comfortable. I have to take a sick bucket on journeys with me as the pain is worse when I travel in it, it makes me sick. So that Doctor in St.Johns hospital has caused many years of pain. It didn't stop but I know he will be living comfortably. I feel sad and I don't like injustice. I have seen physios, who said they couldn't do anything else for me so sent me to a pain management clinic. They taught me how to try manage my pain. I will write about that in my next post. I think life got so much better when I had Motability. I felt comfortable in my new cars from Toyota. It was such a life changing scheme. They were spacious and comfortable. the lovely man in the garage knew how to help me and what car would be good for me. My crutches fitted in the front! In 2020 we were due to choose a new Motability car. I phoned the helpline to say to choose a new car and I chose a beautiful one that had heated seats (For help with back pain) and in the shade Autumn Silver. Once it was ordered- PIP asked for an assessment and rejected it. Toyota was helpful and tried to find us a car that we could afford. Due to me having to give work up due to the pain, only one wage is coming in. I try and count my blessings. I have my daughters. A loving husband. I just struggle now to go anywhere as it isn't comfortable to travel.
I try to be positive though. Its incredibly hard at times. Pain affects your body and mind. I am in tears even writing this. My children are doing well though. As long as my children are happy, I know life is good. My one wish last year was to go to Glencoe. As you know in my 'BeautyTies creator:Collette' introduction, I love nature. As a family, car travels were beautiful. All I wanted since last year is to return to the waterfall at Glencoe.
Until my next post BeauTies, take care and keep the faith.
~ Collette.
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