The Woman
“You suck the life right out of me I was so blind I could not see. Making me weak while you get strong. You are a human leech” - Willow Smith
Once there was a woman so important, that she would do cruel things to her child. The earliest memory was of the woman putting her in the middle of the road as a child and walking back inside. The child was scared and cold. It was dark outside and the woman disappeared. The road was damp as the girl touched it. Cold and damp. She was abandoned. Thankfully someone found her. She remembered car lights shining. The woman laughed and said the toddler must have gotten out by herself. (Including unlocking the door and taking herself out of the cot.) Oh, how this made her laugh over the years. The child would be given worms in the garden and told it was spaghetti. The story goes that the girl ate the worms and she enjoyed eating them, This story was retold until the child was an adult. Oh how she laughed with narcissistic glee. When someone was suffering- she got a sadist kick and would smile.
One day she told the child not to use the Vosene shampoo that belonged to the man of the house. She knew never to touch bottles. The dad laughed and left the room. Time passed and the woman picked up the child and put her in the pantry and gave her the boat toy she was playing with on the floor. The woman was moving fast which alarmed the girl. Then she grabbed the shampoo and covered her toy in it. Then the woman closed the door leaving the child in darkness. Silence. The girl felt scared again. She knew the man would tell her off. It was wrong. The cupboard opened some time later
“Oh there she is! Look - she’s washing her toys with your shampoo! “ She laughed. “Did you need to wash your toy?” The man looked at the girl and smiled. His nostrils flared when he needed to stop himself laughing loudly. Another fake situation her mother put her in for attention.
Another occasion the woman opened the door and told her child to go out of the home. The front door was a driveway that led onto the main road. The girl walked the streets until an older child saw her. He walked her to find food as she was hungry. One garden had onions hanging up in the garden. The girl sat can ate one.The owner of the house returned her to the woman. The story made her laugh and for years after this it was a funny anecdote she retold others.
Once a man in a pinstripe suit came in the stood at the front door and begun kissing the woman. It wasn't her dad, and they went into the kitchen. The woman had an affair with her friend's husband. In fact the woman would babysit her friends children and they played. This alarmed the girl what she saw. Pinstripe grey suit and pocket watch in his pocket as the chain draped out the pocket. The little girl knew it was wrong.
One day the woman grabbed the girls wrist in her hands and dragged her into the kitchen, holding a large kitchen knife that was bigger than her arm and threatened to cut her wrists off. To this day she can't recall what she did to have that retort. Chopping her hands off, as the girl was two or three.The girl was scared and already knew not to annoy the woman.
One day the woman picked the local paper up and showed a picture of the school children of the local disco. "A girl died at the this disco. she was moving her head like this and it fell off." She proceeded to rock her back and forth like she was at a heavy metal concert. Do you know that the women kept that story going throughout her primary school years and the girl repeated it to friends warning them. Such an idiot.
The girl was in primary school when the bank book for her savings account that family paid in for Christmas and birthdays was taken by the woman and took the girl to the bank to withdraw the money and close the account. Any savings the girl should have had was taken. Years of family members paying into her savings account was gone. The woman was a gold digger - she didn’t care where money came from, as long as she had it. It belonged to her.
One day trip out with the woman, the girl sat in the back of the car with a friend. The man and woman opened the car door and they shouted at the girls friend for misbehaving. They pulled her friend out. Her heartbeat was fast and the scene of this happening played in her head on repeat for many years. The man and woman got back into the car and drove. The tall trees were emerald green. She asked the woman where her friend was. They told the girl that they left them on the road. The friend was gone. Would the witch or a bear find the friend? (This was how young the girl was, that these thoughts were in her head) Hours passed. There was a noise from the back of the car. Her feet didn’t touch the floor of the car but she was scared and her heart beat fast. She was too small to see what was behind her as the car seats were big. Her head only reached halfway up the seat. She slowly put her feet on the floor of the car and slowly pushed up, careful not to disturb the man and woman. The girl turned her head slightly to see what the noise was. She could make out an eye in the darkness beneath the parcel shelf that had tears, and was in the foetal position she guessed as the friends' hands were in front of her face. Her friend wasn’t left behind. They were in the boot. Feeling scared but relieved the friend was safe, the girl lowered herself slowly hoping not to alert them as the girl didn’t want to be put there either.
The girl won an art competition in school as a poet travelled around and wanted children's art for the book. Thinking it would make the woman happy - she ran home crossing roads carrying the art work in her hand. The girl ran in and told the woman the exciting news. "Oh. I have friends visiting go get changed." The woman put the picture in the kitchen bin. It was crushing.
The last month of primary school, they organised a final class photo. The girl made herself look as smart as possible. Happy she would get a school photo to keep. Only when the girl walked downstairs, the woman was waiting. “Put your red check dress on.” The girl panicked. No body else was wearing normal clothes. “You need to stand out!” The girl felt scared about what the woman would do if she refused. The girl changed out of her smart uniform for the photograph reluctantly. She shed tears as her mum made her stand in front of the hallway mirror to do her hair.
“Stop crying, you will ruin the photograph for everyone.”
So the girl stopped crying. She mastered how to cry quietly. She didn’t want to ruin the photograph for her school friends. It was embarrassing to walk to school. When the teacher asked why she wasn’t in uniform the girl explained her mum made her wear it. She didn’t cry and was brave and tried to be positive as she didn’t want to ruin the last school photograph of primary school. The photo was taken.
Weeks later a friend told the girl “My mum said you ruined the photograph by wearing that dress.” Then other children agreed, confirming the same. All their parents thought I ruined it on purpose. So much for standing out. It was public ridicule for the girl. She scolded herself in shame. The woman did this to her a lot. The parents and children didn’t like her for ruining it. Of course the Woman said “You wanted to wear it.” Gas lighting was a narcissistic pastime. It was only when the girl got older she that she realised gaslighting was in fact illegal. It is abuse. The glee in the girls humiliation was wonderful. The woman had such power over her.
High school era was quite a scary time due to the womans' actions getting worse when the girl needed help and guidance. There wasn't any. On a holiday the woman targeted the girl for no reason. The spite and vitriol made the girl become quiet and fear crept across her. She was introverted and scared to say the wrong thing. Then the woman told the girl to sleep outside that night in a tent. The girl wasn’t worthy of a comfortable bed. A teenager kicked out of the home. Like always, that smile appeared on her face. The girl wasn't worthy to be in the same house as her. That night, the teenage girl slept outside in the cold and cried. She was stupid and worthless. She wasn't worthy of living in the same house on holiday in a comfortable, safe and dry home. The next morning the girl had to smile and walk into the house like nothing happened, making sure she wished the mum good morning. She wanted to be allowed to sleep inside that night. She heard the neighbours talking in their garden as they wondered who was crying. It was the girl. The woman made it happen. The woman never had comeuppance for her abuse. That is childhood abuse to this point on her life. Nobody to step in and question this behaviour or stop the situation. The girl was told repeatedly she was never to discuss anything outside the house. The woman covered her tracks as always. The girl kept all the abuse inside over the years.
The woman faked suicide more than once. The woman needed attention as always. The girl went to bid goodnight to her mum and there on the table in the library was a letter. The girl took it as the woman was sleeping but she flickered her eyes, peeking, so she was clearly pretending to be asleep. She hated the woman's sick games, but played along as she was scared about what she would pull next. As always her acting wasn’t going to win her a BAFTA award anytime soon. The girl read it and gave it to her dad and said goodnight. The next day the girl went to her English exam and was unsure if the woman would be dead or alive when she returned home. It was a lot to withhold and carry on the girls shoulders. However the woman was joyous and smiling. Her plan worked for attention. Sick. The woman never asked how the girls exam was as she genuinely didn’t care. No explanation given for faking her death or explaining the letter she knew the girl picked up.
One day the girls friend stayed over and the woman was supposed to take the girl home the following day. Again, the woman very badly acted, laid out on the sofa and put her hand draped over the forehead and told them the girls dad would need to pick her friend up as she was too ill. The girls friend grimaced as she knew she was fine and acting badly. Once the dad arrived to take her friend home her eyes were flickering once again. When they left, the woman jumped up quickly and ran into the kitchen perfectly fine to make the Mans dinner. She even applied makeup without issue. The woman loved pretending to be ill.
One thing that the woman would do is buy gifts - then treat the person badly. It was a pattern in behaviour the girl would see more of as she got older.
After the girl moved out and started her own life the abuse continued. “Our old neighbour who knows your babies grandparents said they are planning to take your baby off you.” She said with such glee. The girl didn’t know what to believe anymore. It was just another narcissistic story however. The girl wasn’t allowed to be independent. Her new home - the woman invited friends to see while the woman showed them around. “Isn’t it lovely?” She would gush while the girl watched. Of course it’s irrelevant it being girls home. Everything was the woman’s.
Control was important to the narcissist. Once she managed to find out details of the girls online clothing account and placed an order for £90 worth of clothes. The girl thought she was hacked when the woman text her to say she ordered herself clothes on her account. When questioned the girl was told she was family and she could do what she wanted to. How far would the woman go? When will she stop the abuse and control? There were never boundaries in place.
The woman would make plans with people, change the plans and then not show up. She loved knowing people were waiting on her arriving then not arriving. That evil smile would creep up on her face. The daughter would see it and know she had to leave. The Woman’s friends would ask the daughter where the woman was as she was ignoring their calls. The daughter was stuck. If she told her friends the truth the woman would deny it when confronted. The woman would triangulate abuse as always. She would frequently say “my friend thinks” and make the girl feel worthless. So many people thought badly about her. It was a clever set up so when her friends appeared the girl was reacting to them and what she thought they said to the women. Chaos. The gorging on money, food and any belongings she could find on cheap marketplaces. The evil woman would never be satisfied. She needed extra of everything. The girl could have felt sorry for the woman but the sheep’s clothing turned into a foul smelling matted sheep. There was nothing nice left. Just poison.
The girl cut all contact with the woman eventually but it took her until adulthood to be brave enough to do it. The girl grew up knowing that her own instincts were correct, even though the woman would abuse the girl and confuse bad things as correct instead of wrong. She knows now that if someone reported the woman for abuse she would be arrested. It was child abuse. No more phonecalls, texts demanding her to do something. Terrifying. It’s amazing how people the woman knew, would believe her tall stories and awful fantasies she would create in her head for attention. When bad things happened she would silence the girl. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a form of Münchausen syndrome. Nobody of any age is safe. After the girl cut the woman out of her life for her own safety, the woman friend requested the girls ex's and friends. Naturally the woman also knew a hitman. His normal job was in I.T. but she boasted how he could find someone to take people down.
Men and woman can suffer in the hands of narcissistic parents. They can be made into the golden child, scape goat or troublemaker by the parent / parents. It’s not true though. Please seek help and know it’s text book behaviour. As sick as the abuse is, there are still people who choose to be around the woman. They aren't emotionally mature to know to avoid abusers. A perfect example of this is Jimmy Savile. When his abuse was told and the victims came forward -there were still people saying how nice he was. Ignorant to acknowledge abuse. The girl visited the woman in hospital as she needed an ambulance to rush her in. People were around her and she wasn't responsive. The Doctors told the girl she wasn't waking up and responsive. The girl stood next to her bed ...and watched her eyes flicker. She was faking it. In hospital. This was then proved as her friend walked in, and the woman sat bolt upright eyes open, arms open wide for a hug from her friend. Sickening. Due to this it's recommended to avoid everyone who has contact with the narcissists. Trust your instincts and know there are many people who have grown up like this. You aren't alone. You certainly aren't crazy! Sometimes saying adieu is the best thing.
The Woman is exhausting and demands she be given different food and drinks when in a restaurant as nothing was good enough. The staff were puzzled and hurt as she returned things more than once. The woman couldn’t read people. If the daughter didn’t want alcohol the woman would order it and demand she drink it as she paid for it. If the daughter refused then she was in trouble as the woman loved making a scene. The more drama the better! The daughter was uncomfortable and drank alcohol at lunch. This is how it was meant to be. Nobody dares question the woman. Only she was allowed to decide what people liked and didn’t. I hope the books below can help you if you are a survivor of childhood narcissistic behaviour.
I want to thank Valerie Broussard for her music. Start A War I've included in The Woman playlist.
I adore the arts in all forms. I have backed indie movies, music is my life and collecting art makes me happy. Do what makes your heart happy. Be the person you were meant to be. Not who your abuser made you, in their image.
Narcassistic survivor books:
▪️I’m Gad My Mom Died by Jeanette mc curdy
▪️You’re not crazy it’s your mother - Danu Morrigan
Comments
Post a Comment