Mother & Daughter Dynamics

Hello BeauTies!

 Julia and I have spoken in depth about how the dynamics between mother and daughter changes as they get older. I didn't get handed a book on how to bring up children. We have to do it on instincts and values.We were talking about how much she has achieved and how she is now doing her dream job before she is 21. This amazes me she has accomplished what she has. I'm not a boasting mother or anything but it's highly interesting to reflect on where we started. I thought i'd share how we got here.

    I became a single parent with Julia while she was young. This was never my intention but we deal with what life brings us. I remember being strict but fair. I had to be the mum and the dad. I remember taking her for the tests to see how Julia was developing. The health visitor was at the doctors. There was a tub with shaped holes on the top. The woman asked Julia to put the shapes in. Julia walked over to the shape bucket and lifted the lid up. Julia swooped up the plastic shapes and put them in and placed the lid back on. The health visitor looked at me surprised. She questioned if Julia could sort shapes into the correct holes. I told her she did indeed do that and not only that - she just put them where they needed to be, far quicker. Julia got the shapes in and managed to complete the task in record time. I used this metaphor later on in life. Money was tight and I learned to do fun things for free. My favourite memory (and Julia's) was going for a surprise picnic on sunny days.I would set her dolls pram up but sneak in a sandwich and flask of juice in the bottom under a blanket. I would ask her to bring me her favourite doll then I told her we could take it for a walk. Julia would rush over to the pram I set up in the hallway and then get her shoes on. We lived in a good area of Edinburgh. There were no issues. We walked to a beautiful park in Morningside. Julia would direct her pram over the little walkway and we would be met with a row of cherry blossom trees lined up along the path. It was such a beautiful place. After a while I would surprise Julia with the sandwich and flask of juice. I would watch her giggle and twirl under the blossom trees with her arms outstretched and spin around until she fell over. I cherished those times as I knew she was growing quickly. I would sometimes take Julia on a short bus ride to a garden centre by us. This may sound a bit crazy going there for a day out but it had a pet section. Snakes, lizards, guinea pigs and rabbits and fish. Basically it was a poor persons zoo! Julia would giggle running up and looking at all the pets they had. It only cost me a bus fare. I felt fiercely protective of my daughter. It was my job to make sure she didn't get hurt. It was my job to fill her head with the knowledge and tell her she was worthy of great things. When Julia attended nursery it was weird for me to be without her. I'd clean flats to earn a bit of extra money and treat her. On the first day of nursery I would see her into the nursery and kiss her goodbye. I walked back to our home and panicked when the nursery phoned me. They requested I bring my daughters birth certificate in. Puzzled, I assumed they hadn't put information on their system that they should have. However this was no the case at all. It turned out to be Julia telling everyone in nursery that her name was really Daphne. They wanted to make sure Julia was my child. I laughed when they told me that. Julia was pretending, but yet convinced adults she was really called Daphne. She liked the cartoon Scooby-Doo. Julia loved to play and as she got older she liked to pretend to be Hermione from Harry Potter. Life was moving quickly and I decided to move back to my hometown to get a job and so Julia could start school while I was working.

  I started working at a media company and met my now husband, Julia had a solid family unit. I fell pregnant and gave her a sister. Complications with the pregnancy and birth meant I was suddenly disabled. I can honestly say nothing prepares you for losing your independence. I knew I had to reach out and find help for Julia who was now helping me in the house whilst my husband worked. It is very strange for me to suddenly have my life turned upside down. Julia never complained though. She was still my beautiful happy girl. Young Careers locally really brought out the best in Julia. Her confidence soared. This was due to meeting other people her age who also did the same jobs as her. The guilt I felt as a parent that my own child now had to help look after me hurt so badly. Julia did go on trips out with the Young Carers so it got her out the house. Julia also appeared in their adverts and sat in Parliament to discuss why young carers need support. Being a parent watching your child grow into a young lady is rewarding. Having children meant they are an extension of you. I didn't want to fill her life with negativity and I would indeed listen when she voiced concerns over anything. It was my job to listen when nobody else did. If we went places people would compliment me on how polite she was. It was a nod to me that everything was good with the world. I always say if my children are happy, I'm happy. Manners cost zero. 

    The teenage years was an odd turning point for me as a parent. Her leavers show at primary school had me trying hard not to burst out in tears as a group of pupils including her, sang Chasing Cars. Whenever I hear that song i'm transported back to that day. The night before she started High School I just felt beside myself. My baby was now older. It was a massive milestone for us both. I knew as a parent i'd need to let her find her own way and make her own decisions and judgements. I am not sure why I cried though. I wasn't sad she started high school. In fact I was glad she was going to grow as a person and develop life skills. Watching someone you nurture and love grow into a beautiful young lady makes me smile. Julia worked hard and was given various awards. I never had anything like that when I was school. It always went to the straight A students. I got grades but it was always the straight A students who had praise put upon them. I vowed to myself if I had children they knew they were worthy of great things and they wouldn't be less of a person because of a grade on a bit of paper. It meant a lot she got so many awards as it showed me she was going to be just fine. It was odd for me as I was shy and awkward at school. Yet here was my own child, confident and a lot of the teachers said she brightened their day. In fact Julia has kept in contact with a lot of her teachers and indeed even now meets up for a drink with them. How on earth did I raise a child to be so incredible? It baffles me. I didn't and haven't got the confidence she has. Julia got nervous at exams and cried at the grades she got as she wanted to get to college.

I remembered back to the shapes in the tub.It was metaphor. I told her it didn't matter how she got to the destination - just as long as she got there.I couldn't turn back time to make her change her grades. I accepted the situation and knew it wouldn't help her if I was sad over the results.Her stepdad drove her to college and they told her she could do a course to get the grades she needed to proceed. I remember her walking through the door with the biggest smile on her face. She was going to get the grades she needed by attending college. Then proceed. Julia got a weekend job and worked hard to support herself the best she could. It made me happy she was becoming an adult and knew she wouldn't get something for nothing. Like everything- you work hard. This month Julia graduates from college. Julia is the only one in her class that has graduated from NQ to an HND. She stuck with it even when she was stressed and has in fact accomplished what she set out to do. The biggest challenge for her and myself was towards the end of her HND. Julia wasn't working this year and has been at home most days. It has been odd for me to have another adult in the house. I remember looking at her and thinking what a lovely young lady I have brought up. She has had to make decisions about which job to take and how she would get by financially if she didn't get work soon. Julia landed an Internship for PR,Marketing and Events at the college. Julia is self-made and has always used Christmas and birthday money to pay for her driving lessons over the year. Her goal since high school is to own Louis Vuitton shoes. All the times she was worried about issues that would arise, I had to tell her my opinion, it didn't mean my opinion was necessarily correct. She had to work it out for herself. I think that I have to accept her decisions are hers. As a parent I can try give my thoughts on situations but she is an adult now and she needs to choose her path in life. I would hate for my children to ever look back at their life and wonder "What If." I would hate to be responsible for regrets they may have. Over time I have had to learn to be able to give opinions without giving commands. I'm hoping the practice at this helps me with her younger sister. I said to Julia yesterday "What is it like to be not even twenty one and doing your dream job?" I am in awe of my daughter. She is incredible. We spoke about blogging together for years but it never transpired until now. We bonded when she was in high school over beauty products and we would borrow each others things to see if we liked them. Hence this blog. Parenting is not easy. I knew when she was a baby I had a chance of raising her to be the best person possible. When I struggled to buy food as a single parent she came into our lounge and emptied her pennies on the table thinking she would save the day. Teaching her morals, standards and how to be happy. How important it is to have a "Zen Zone" at home and be able to relax. Find her own happiness and leave negativity at the door. Staying grounded. Her goal is to own some Louis Vuittons as she has fallen in love with them since she saw them. Her icon is Audrey Hepburn and I adore that. We would watch her movies under a blanket and lose ourselves in the movie Funny Face. Parenting can be difficult at times but as long as you teach them right from wrong and let them make their own decisions as adults then they have good life skills. One day i'm going to post Louis Vuittons on this blog. I know it. Well, actually it will be Julia who does that. It will be her goal completed and damn right she will be proud as she will have worked incredibly hard to earn them! (Julia did say she will be wearing them to hoover and probably to bed too.) I've raised a damn Queen. 

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